CONFUSED.
Friday, 17 November 2017 @ 12:09 am


Assalamualaikum.

I know I haven't posted in a while. Things have been so crazy. Except for today, I feel like writing.

Well I don't know if it is just me or anyone ever been through the same feeling of what I am feeling right now. Because this feeling is kind of doesn't make sense and fucking confusing. Having that someone back in your life that once mean everything to you before? Is it possible? Because everytime I open up my heart for someone else, in time I'm trying to love someone else, I felt like I still need him. Very deep deep down in my heart, there's still his name there. I know it's not fair for the other one but I can't help this feeling. I miss him so much. I miss being around him like we used to before. If only I could turn back time, I swear and guarentee that I would never make the stupid mistake and decision ever.

And now, I feel like I get closer and closer to him. I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!! Sometimes I still get these urges to contact him, meanwhile I'm having a boyfriend right now. I don't know, it feels like a pure desperation. Like my skin is crawling and my eyes are burning. I just want him back in my life so badly. And I don't know why? Where these sudden urges come from? Why do I still do this, even after all this time?! What is the meaning behind all of this? All I could do was whispering to my heart "Ya Allah, help me what are you trying to show me".

It's like suddenly I feel like I would do absolutely anything just to have him back in my life again. Even for a single moment just to see him, talk to him, be with him or ANYTHING! It's like I DON'T WANT to get him out of my mind. I still want to be in love with him because in my mind, loving him is everything. He makes me happy and in love with him all over again in his own way, effortlessly! And that is so meaningful to me. I just want that back. And that's why I get confused with this feeling all the time. I miss him like crazy! I regret everything and I want him back more than anything. I miss his voice, his smell, his laugh, his touch, his everything! I fucked that up before but SHIT I SERIOUSLY CAN'T HANDLE THIS FEELING THO.
Yes, it's you.
Always and forever
in my mind,
MHBMA.